So, what's the plan?
Are we gonna turn off the lights and jump out and yell "surprise"?
Oh, yes, Roz, let's startle a man who just had open-heart surgery.
Sorry. I can't get used to thinking of Niles as sick.
Oh, Niles is great. All these exercises he's doing,
he's gonna be just as strong as he ever was.
Here's the guest of honour.
Niles, good to see you out and about. Ha, ha.
ROZ: You look great. - Thank you, thank you.
I tell you, it's good to be out
after being cooped up in that apartment all week.
Hello. I never thought I'd grow tired of reading Flaubert.
Oh, please, he's been parked on his ass
watching The Young and the Restless.
Niles, not the soaps. You can't be serious.
Well, I'm hardly hooked.
They fascinate me as cultural artefact.
I was just telling Gertrude.
Their use of stock figures is reminiscent of the commedia dell'arte.
Yes, Esther is Punchinello, Victor is Flavio and Nikki,
well, she's just the town pump.
Now do you see why I need my own telly, Daphne?
You have your own telly in Manchester.
Here's champagne and sparkling cider for you, Niles.
Help yourselves whenever you're ready.
Word to the wise, stay away from the sausage.
They're not sausages, Dad, they're soy-sages.
Niles is on a postoperative diet. We are trying to support him.
Oh, sorry. What about the bacon?
Fake-un.
Okay, everyone, I'd like to propose a toast.
- Oh. Ha, ha. - Uh, to my family and friends,
your love and support have been overwhelming.
- Oh, Niles. NILES: No.
During my operation,
I was technically dead for several minutes.
Yes, we know, son. You told us.
But it gave me a fresh perspective on everything.
It took a brush with death
to remind me how lucky I am to be alive.
Well done.
Gertrude, thank you for the guestroom so that I don't have to climb stairs.
Oh, no, I'm happy to sleep on that sofa bed
with the hard metal frame.
You have a nice soft bed in Manchester.
Okay. Oh, Daphne, it's okay.
Her bracing honesty reminds me that I'm alive.
You, you, oh, you.
You are a treasure to me.
I cherish every day we're together.
Oh, thank you, Niles.
There may be others around here
who could benefit from a near-death experience.
Well, let's eat before the fake-un loses its shape.
Wow. Niles is really loving life with a vengeance.
Oh, I was the same way after I got shot.
First day back at the precinct, I went around hugging all the guys
telling them all I loved them.
How long did that last?
Until they started calling me Martina.
It is kind of weird seeing Niles so lovey dovey with Mrs. Moon.
Believe me, when you're in that state,
you can find something to love even in the biggest jerk.
Roz, I want to tell you, you are a treasure.
Maybe I don't say it often enough, but you are.
Shut up, Martina.
Hi.
- I know that song. - Yes.
Mozart's "Symphony Number 40." Molto allegro.
I've just bought this new recording for Niles.
It is fantastic. I've never heard such string articulation.
Oh, I remember what it is. That commercial with the singing cats.
If your cat has a yearning for tuna.
Da-da-da, Ocean Buffet.
One of the cats was wearing a tiny tuxedo.
Good. So few cats dress for the symphony anymore.
- Frasier, Roz. - Oh, hi, guys.
Guess who just walked a mile on the treadmill.
- Oh, way to go, Niles. - Oh, Niles.
The doctor says he's in the 95th percentile
of patients recovering from bypass surgery.
Ninety-fifth percentile. That's wonderful, Niles.
Yes, well, now, Frasier, good health is not a competition.
When you've heard time's winged chariot hurrying near, as I have,
every day is a gift.
Oh, yoicks, what tone-deaf prankster gave you this?
You've heard it?
Well, as much as I could bear.
Did you hear what the conductor did to the andante?
I just hope he bought it dinner first.
Well, I couldn't agree more, Niles.
Frasier, you said you loved that CD.
Well, Niles has convinced me otherwise.
You know, I'm in the mood for a scone.
- Help me pick one out. - All right.
- That was weird. FRASIER: I'll say.
Who can't pick out their own scone?
No, I mean you and Niles.
Usually, that would have been a two-hour argument
ending in tears and cursing in Italian.
I'm afraid those days are over, Roz.
- What happened? - Well, it's a long story.
Okay.
When Niles was in the hospital and he was being wheeled into surgery,
he looked so frail and vulnerable.
Sol...
I took my case to a higher power.
FRASIER: Hello, God.
It's me, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Though I don't come to you as often as perhaps I should,
I wanna thank you for all the times you've indulged me in the past.
Although I have yet to see the inside of the Empire Club. Ha, ha.
Just kidding.
Anyway...
Today I ask you to look after my brother, Niles Crane.
I love him, even if I don't always show it.
And I regret all the time he and I wasted in petty quarrels.
If you spare him, O Lord,
I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
But, Frasier, you don't think God is gonna strike Niles down
if you get in an argument, do you?
Well...
Technically, the way it's structured, he'd come after me.
Seeing as how I was the one that initiated the deal, you see.
But if I'd had more time, I might have worded things differently, but...
Oh, uh, let's get this to go. My soap starts in 20 minutes.
Ashley might come out of her coma today.
You know, since your recovery is going so well,
maybe we should check you out.
Make sure all your equipment's working properly.
You're not talking about my exercise bicycle, are you?
The doctor said it would be okay.
If you need a second opinion,
maybe Nurse Naughty could make a house call.
I could use a checkup.
But I think we should err on the side of caution.
In a few weeks, I have another stress test.
Thank you.
And if all goes well,
Nurse Naughty will be one satisfied healthcare professional.
- See you. - Bye-bye.
- Oh, bye, guys. - Oh, Niles, wait.
Uh, Frasier says he thinks the string articulation is really good.
In this?
Frasier, you know I hold your opinion in highest regard, but are you nuts?
Perhaps I am, Niles. Thank you.
Maybe you just need to get your hearing checked.
I'll do that. Thank you, Niles.
I'll see you later.
Ha, ha. Very amusing. I get it. Ha, ha.
Oh, oh, here they are.
Frasier, Frasier, tell them what you told me.
Freud is the poor man's Jung.
I never thought I'd live to see the day.
Perhaps this is why I was spared.
Niles, how was your stress test?
Oh, uh, the doctor cleared me to return to normal food
and regular physical activity.
Oh, darling, that's wonderful.
Yes, yes, you know, in moderation, of course.
- Congratulations, son. - Thanks.
You know, perhaps now, Niles, we can get back to the squash courts.
Oh, I don't think so.
But the doctor said it was okay.
Yeah, but shouldn't there be more to life
than competition for useless bragging rights?
Ha, ha. You didn't think they were useless
three months ago when you won.
You bragged for three months.
I've changed a lot since then.
The point is that I have roses to stop and smell.
I see. So let me get this straight.
You're going to give up squash and smell roses?
Poor Frasier.
I hope that you don't have to go through what I did
in order to become as wise as I have.
You can still be wise and play squash, darling.
Yeah, Daphne's right. Go out, have some fun.
But I am having fun.
Since my incident,
birds sing more sweetly, the sky is so much bluer.
Niles, it has rained every day this week.
I see rain differently too.
There's something I need to tell you. It's something I've been thinking...
You were saying, Frasier?
Nothing.
MAN: Hey, Dr. Crane.
Well, my grandmother died a couple of weeks ago,
and I feel bad because I never told her how much she meant to me.
Well, my heart certainly goes out to you.
Grieving is difficult enough without those unresolved...
Frasier, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have Dr. Niles Crane on line two.
I'm sure you all remember my brother, Niles,
from our last segment.
I'm sure all my listeners join me
in hoping he can get back to work real soon.
NILES: Thank you, Frasier.
I thought I'd add the perspective of one
who has ducked the scythe of the Grim Reaper.
FRASIER: By all means, go ahead, Niles.
Your grandmother knows how you feel.
When I was briefly dead,
the overriding feeling I had was the love of my family and friends.
MAN: Wow. So I shouldn't feel bad?
NILES: Certainly not. Get out there and live your life, Grant.
Carpe that diem.
Isn't that right, Frasier?
I couldn't agree more, Niles.
We'll be right back after traffic.
I'm beginning to regret betting on the clown.
Roz, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I just lie in bed awake at night mentally arguing with Niles.
And I win every time.
ROZ: Frasier, this is insane.
Do you really think something bad is gonna happen
if you break your deal with God?
Oh, of course not.
Well, maybe a little. I don't know.
Roz, my brother could have died.
I can't be ungrateful to whatever higher power may have spared him.
But I just can't imagine that God would be upset...
Oh, he's God, Roz.
Have you read the Old Testament? He can be ruthless.
Traffic's done. You're on in five.
Welcome back, Seattle.
Oh, I see we have someone on line two.
Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
NILES: Still me, Frasier.
Say, I had some thoughts
about your advice to Cynthia from Tacoma.
Speaking as one who has walked
through the valley of the shadow of death, Cynthia,
I think diet and exercise would take care of your problem.
Nothing like a good fat-free muffin to send you...
Hi, Daph, I'm here for Niles.
He's at your place, said you were meeting him there for dinner.
Well, I specifically told him I would pick him up here.
- Oh, well... - Sorry.
It's not bad enough he usurps my radio show...
What are you doing?
Oh, you'll think I'm silly, but I'm donating food to the poor.
Why would I think that's silly? What does that say about me?
- No, I was just going to say... - I do my bit for charity, you know.
You have no idea how many vacations I've bought at silent auctions.
No, that's not it.
You see, when I found out Niles needed heart surgery,
I felt so scared and helpless.
So I kind of made a vow that if he came out okay,
I would spend more time helping the less fortunate.
A vow? You mean like a promise to God?
Yeah, I know it must sound absurd to you, a man of science.
No, no, now, when exactly did you make this promise?
The night before his surgery.
The night before, you say.
Interesting. Uh, you say Niles is at my place?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Keep up the good work.
Oh, what's all this?
- Food for the poor. - Oh.
Must be nice to be poor and have people just giving you food.
Daphne, you were up awfully late last night.
Yeah, I was watching television.
Were you?
Or was that husband of yours sneaking upstairs
to demand you perform your wifely chore?
Huh. I wish.
He's still not ready to be in the same bed with me.
He's rich and you don't have to sleep with him.
Rub it in, why don't you?
I know he's trying to ease back into things,
but it's been weeks since the doctor said he was okay.
Well, isn't it obvious?
The poor thing's probably not feeling very attractive.
I mean, he's all skinny and pale, and now he has that scar too.
I don't think that's it, Mom.
I just think he's scared, and I understand that.
But how long are we gonna go on like this?
Until you stop babying him.
I'm not babying him. I'm just giving him the time he needs.
Oh, piffle.
What he needs is a swift kick in the bum.
Look, look, you've got to seduce him.
Use your feminine wiles.
That's how your brother Billy landed Kevin.
Well, sharing a cell helped.
You know, maybe I'll give that a try.
When Niles walks into that guestroom tonight,
I'll have a surprise waiting for him.
Candles, soft music, a negligee.
Nothing too sexy. We don't want to strain his heart, ha, ha.
Well, there's nothing wrong with your ego.
- Thanks for the advice, Mom. - My pleasure, love.
Oh, and since you and Niles will be in the guestroom,
I'll sleep in your room tonight.
No sense in letting that king-size bed go to waste.
This time, use a coaster when you take your teeth out.
- Stop the tape. - Oh.
Who's he again?
That's Diego, the illegitimate son of Sonya LaFontaine.
He joined the Army to avenge the death of his brother.
Although, frankly, I'm a little worried about him.
I'm not sure he's fighting this war for the right reasons.
Hey, you want some of this fancy dessert?
It must be really good because Frasier told me not to touch it.
Uh, no, no, thanks.
I brought some of these tasty rye flats in case I...
In case I feel peckish.
They look like wood.
I thought your doctor cleared you to eat normal foods.
Well, he did, but, uh, you know,
I feel my tastes have gotten simpler since I cheated death.
It's hard to explain.
Don't need to explain to me, son. I know what it's like to cheat death.
That's true, although I think I got a little closer than you did.
Oh, really?
Well, let's see.
I got shot by a gun and you ate a bunch of cheese.
I was clinically dead for several minutes.
I looked Death square in the eye.
You might have looked him in the eye, but I shook his hand.
Really? Well, I kissed him on the cheek.
Well, I kissed him on the lips.
Also, Death was a girl.
I don't wanna turn this into a competition.
I'm just, uh... Just trying to embrace life to the fullest.
Oh, will you give it a rest?
- Excuse me? - You haven't embraced a thing.
All you're doing is yakking about feeling this and experiencing that.
You're not doing anything.
You won't go back to work
or play squash or eat any of your favourite foods.
I... I'm just easing into things until I'm back to normal.
Well, the doctor says you're there.
Well, I'm just being extra cautious.
Sounds to me like you're afraid, son.
Well, what if I am? Haven't I earned the right to be afraid? I could've died.
- I understand. - Okay.
When I got out of the hospital, I was terrified to take a risk.
I just didn't wanna leave the house.
Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
I know my fears aren't rational.
I know my heart is sound.
I feel fine.
But I felt fine before this happened.
How do I know that the same thing isn't going to...?
MARTIN: You don't know.
That's exactly what I came to realise.
Life's a crapshoot. We could all go at any time.
That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got.
Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
Okay, point taken.
- Thank you, Dad. - Where are you going?
To live my life.
You forgot the rye flats.
No, I didn't, Dad.
No, I didn't.
Well, you're not leaving them here.
Ah.
Good evening.
Hello, God, it's me again.
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Listen, it seems that when we made our little arrangement,
there was another deal in place.
Now, I've had some experience with double-booking,
and I know that the person who books first always gets priority.
So as long as Daphne keeps up her end...
Which she is, to the letter.
It seems our little arrangement would be rendered null and void.
Ergo, I am now going to yell at my brother.
Unless, of course, you give me a sign.
Very well, then.
This is gonna be sweet. Ha, ha.
- Niles! - There you are.
You're 40 minutes late.
No matter. I have more important things to do.
Not so fast, mister.
You have been insufferable for the past few weeks.
It might enlighten you to know that your endless preaching
has been nothing more than a thin cover for your fear...
I know, I know, I know. Dad just told me, and he was right.
I've been an ass lately.
I am sorry, but I have to go. My wife is waiting for me.
Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't bring this up sooner.
But...
Ah.
Well played, God.
I'll see you at Easter.
Niles, what happened?
- Are you all right? - Yes.
I just jumped into bed with your mother.
Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
That wasn't her.
What were you doing in there?
I just wanted to take my wife in my arms
and show her how much I love her.
Are you sure you're ready?
Trust me, if my heart can take that, it can take anything.
Okay, let's go.